I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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