I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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