Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
