why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
