Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
