Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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