so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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