i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize