i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
