is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
