So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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