You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize