two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
