My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
