Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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