well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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