Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
