how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
