I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
