We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
