dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
