if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
