Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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