mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
