By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
