I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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