I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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