Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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