Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize