I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
