just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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