using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
