She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
