I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
