I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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