Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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