So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
