I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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