Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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