I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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