Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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