tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
only if we run a train.
done.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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