if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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