you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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