Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
