i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
