Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is Oprah even human
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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