I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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