worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
