Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
