I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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