chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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