I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
