you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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