I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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