LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
