After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
